“Is human behavior fundamentally comprehensible?” Is a question that occupied a good bit of my thinking for quite a while, and a question that became central to my life coaching approach. Or put it another way, “Do I believe that - given enough time and energy - I can understand the reasons behind my own behavior as well as others’?”

The reason that this question became so important to me is largely because of its implications. If I answer it in the negative, it means that explanations for people’s actions can be as simple as, “They’re crazy,” or “She’s evil,” the ever-popular, “He’s an asshole,” and the tried and true, “Some people are just mean.” Labeling or categorizing becomes a perfectly acceptable means of explaining why people do what they do. The label doesn’t have to be negative, either - it could be positive, like, “Well, she’s just a good person,” or inclusive, as in, “We’re all sinners.” It could even be self-directed, as in, “I’m a failure.” In any case, labels are convenient - once I file someone with that tag, I don’t have to think about it again - whatever they do, it’s because they’re _insert label here_.

If I answer yes to the question above, things become a bit more complex. It means that at best, labels are placeholders that stay until I get to know someone better. If I say yes, it requires more of me - more thought, more energy, more attention. It means that I don’t accept that people act as they do as a result of being in a category. Furthermore, it means that I don’t get off easy either. “This is just the way I am,” ceases to be a satisfactory justification.

This points out one of the of the primary troubles with labeling - that it affords no room for change, for growth. This is true when we assign these names to others, but particularly true when we label ourselves - whether positive or negative. “I’m a nice person,” can be just as limiting as, “I’m a loser.” Either one dictates that we remain within the confines of a certain role. It also makes it simpler for me to detach myself from responsibility for my actions. If I believe that I can come to understand what’s behind my own behavior, then perhaps I can work to change that behavior. In my experience, so much frustration comes from feeling trapped in our roles, our behaviors - from not knowing why we do what we do and feeling powerless to change.

Labeling also has the effect of emphasizing the differences between people, creating more distance - and certainly makes it much easier to demonize others. When I categorize someone, I’m not usually including myself in that category. A good example of this is the rather common scenario of comforting a friend after a breakup by telling them how good they are and how bad the other person is. It’s easy, it can even be effective in cheering them up, but it’s a short term solution. Telling my friend that they are a good person doesn’t help them process the relationship or understand why it ended, and neither does making a villain out of the other party.  In a sense, labels can function as a sort of caricature of a person, rendering them more two-dimensional and exaggerating certain features.

Perhaps another way of saying it is that labeling makes us less human to one another, even less of a whole person to ourselves. It makes it harder to be compassionate, to love. Ultimately, it was this aspect of the question that helped me to decide where I stood on the matter. If I can understand why you do what you do, and if you can understand my motivations, then we clear the way for compassion and empathy to grow between us - to come to know one another as whole people. If I believe that our behavior is not mysterious and unknowable, it clears the way for growth and change as we come to comprehend ourselves more deeply, more fully.

This is why this is central to my approach as a life coach - when I sit down with a client, it is with the belief that your needs and desires can be known and articulated. It is with the conviction that we can transform unhealthy practices into ones that support the changes you want to make in your life. And it’s with the confidence that by learning to encounter others with compassion and empathy, your relationships will be more enriching.